life (with a capital L) is complicated (with a capital DAMN)


“Take it easy.”
“I can’t, man.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I’m taking it hard.”
“You’re taking it hard.”
“Yeah, I’ve decided to make everything in my life more complicated.”
“And how exactly do you do that?”
“I add a lot of steps and procedures and what not to whatever it is I do.”
“Please elaborate–”
“Take the construction of this sandwich for example. I slice the corners off each slice of bread. Then take the middle out of the cheese. One slice gets the hole. The other the nugget. I butter the bread. Scrape it off, re-butter. Mayo, scrape, re-mayo, insert meat, twist, flatten, place, adjust, re-place, mustard, de-mustard, re-mustard, de-re-mustard, re-re-mustard, re-adjust meat, insert lettuce, remove lettuce, re-lettuce, three-x tomatoes slice then slice again, place side-wise then long-wise, angle, reverse, invert, insert more meat, turn it inside then turn it back outside. Re-attach the corners. And voila. You’ve got yourself a real hard sandwich.”
“How do re-attach the corners of the bread?”
“Edible glue.”
“Choking it down is part of the process.”
“Of course it is. So how’s it all working out for you?”
“Well, it takes a while to get out of the house in morning, that’s for sure.”
“You don’t say.”
“Uh huh, for one thing when tying my shoes I’ve instituted a fifty-nine point six-hand quad-hex impossibility knot.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“And don’t even get me started on putting on my underwear.”

Lady Lance Bickerwoods vs. The Dark Energy


They used the word ‘ominous’ to describe it. In fact, they still do. They say it was ‘ominous’.  The vibe that is. It was an ominous vibe. Some were throwing the word apocalyptic around but in the moment that seemed a bit hyperbolic if you ask me, which you don’t have to because I said it anyway, that it was hyperbolic, of course that’s in hindsight because at the time it seemed pretty damn near dangerous out there. Real damn dangerous. Which I think would be a pretty cool name for a band, ‘Real Damn Dangerous’. I don’t know for sure what genre but I could imagine checking out a decent cover band called ‘Pretty Damn Dangerous’ who did a lot of Bon Jovi covers and maybe some Kid Rock stuff and some classic Seger and did it pretty well. At least well enough that you’d tell your buddies about it like saying to them, “I was at The Blue Kazoo last night and saw this pretty decent cover band.” And your one buddy is like, “Oh really? What were they called?” And I was like, “Real Damn Dangerous.” And they were like, “cool.” But at the time when the threat was in the air like farts in an outhouse no one was checking out cover bands no matter how decent they were because quite simply no one knew if they were going to make it through the next minute let alone past midnight when the band usually really got cooking at The Blue Kazoo. They have a pretty solid late night menu there too, where you can get a share platter for like ten bucks that’s pretty decent. It’s not like it’s ‘Pretty Damn Dangerous’ or anything but it’s a pretty decent share platter all the same. But no one was thinking appys at the time because the level of dread and fear and just plain dismalism that was abounding was affecting appetites and all. I think that would also be a pretty cool name for a band ‘Dismalism’ not an act that you’d hear do classic Seger but more in the genre of Shattered Castle Rock or heavy like it anyway.  But no one was much interested in discovering new tunes at that time because the whole world was in an intense state of baleful gloom because with every passing moment no one knew just how close we all were to absolute annihilation, sorry for the hyperbole but what am I going to do, anyway when the portentous of maximum peril is something that if you can sense is there and is coming ever closer but you don’t know how close because the augural situation was at the time not entirely accurate because how could it be what with all the unknowns immense cosmic clouds of evil have like what, where, and when, and how, and even who, and no one has any answers and everyone has questions. But it came down on us in the end and it came down hard and we all looked into the face of the brink of the end of it all and then Mrs. Bickerwoods showed up and we all know the story from there so I won’t bore you with it but I think that ‘The Lady Lance Bickerwoods Experience’ would be a cool name for a band, one of those jam band fusion kind of groups. That’d be a good show to see at The Blue Kazoo.

Beauty Is Only Skin Long


“Why the long face?”
“What’s wrong with my face? I had it elongated, so what?”
“That’s not–I didn’t mean–wait, WHAT?”
“I had my face elongated. As in made long.”
“I know what elongated means.”
“Good for you.”
“Thanks. But I’m more concerned with WHY?”
“It’s a thing they do now, that you can get done. What do you think?”
“About your new long face? That it makes you look sad.”
“That’s not very nice thing to say. I just had a procedure done to improve my looks and boost my self-esteem and you have the gall to say I look SAD?”
“That’s because you have a long face.”
“I don’t see how they’re related.”
“That’s what that saying means.”
“What saying?”
“Why the long face.”
“Who says that?”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“No. The opposite. I’m being earnest. Do you mean to tell me you’ve never heard that saying before?”
“Would I go to the doctor and pay fifteen thousand dollars to get a long face if I had?!”

Coupe DeMerde


“You call this jalopy a car?”
“No, I call it a luxury sedan.”
“To be a sedan you’ve got to have doors.”
“This features new force-field technology, it don’t need no doors.”
“What do I look like? A pair of holey long-johns? This vehicle, which I’m putting in quotes there, is nothing more than a glorified ski-doo.”
“I don’t think a ski-doo, and which I’ll put in quotes, could go three-hundred miles an hour and feature a one-hundred speaker full-immersion ultra-def entertainment system.”
“No, but it could go forwards. Can this toboggan do that?”
“This toboggan, which is a word I am also putting in quotes, can travel in every dimension, including the Nth.”
“The Nth dimension?”
“This baby moves smoother than oily silk through all the fabrics of the Universe.”
“So what does that even mean? It runs on goddamn sorcery power?! Get outta here, you lemon faced baboon.”
“Sure, if by sorcery power you mean bucket seats and a sticker price of eighty-three million dollars.”