This cocktail sure is complicated!

From “The Kick-Ass Master Blaster’s Ultimate Supreme Guide to Bartending and Mixology (Complete Edition)”–


1 oz. Chairman Mao’s signature brand vodka

1 oz. Rub Tugger’s Special Select gin

1 oz. Corn & Boney’s Brand rye whiskey

1 oz. Bugger Boys XXX moonshine

1 oz. Discount Linda Brand cherry wine

1 oz. creme de menthe

1 oz. creme de brune

12 oz. smooth, so very smooth Brook Bottomed Brew beer

3 grams Cosmo’s Black Velvet Dark Matter

A spackle of speckus

Gizmatic soul zest

Essence of Anus

3-4 2″ wiener beans

12-15 drops, Piranha blood

1 loose banana

6 grams of 60/40 blend CreepingBentgrass and Bermuda

a dash of Liquid Ace


Combine vodka, gin, and rye in a skull. Stir. Toss in the shine, wail on that shit. Work it good. Just freacking wail on it. Until it freaking sees God. Sprinkle in the sparkle of speckus. Let it sit. Put the piranha blood in a pan and simmer on medium heat, dazzle it with cherry wine, let it reduce to a sexual sludge. Stick this erotic jam in the fridge and literally let it chill. Also figuratively. Blend your dark matter and cool, cool brew with an immersion particle accelerator until you get good seperation between time and space. Let it sit. Until the dimensions coalesce. Your sexual sludge should be sufficiently chill, so bust that shit out and fold it into to your liquor swamp water thats been skull stewing since you started this montrosity. Green it sweetly with the creme de menthe. Then slice it down the middle with the creme de brune. This is called breaking the wind. Your face will let you know if you did it right. Muddle in the loose banana until it’s glombobulated sufficiently. This means it’s greasy, real greasy. Pre stink the rim of a cobble’s goblet with the essence of anus. Jazz over this with some of that sweet, sweet soul zest. Siphon the great greasy glombobulation from the skull into the goblet. Liquid Ace to taste. Ace. The. Taste. Turf the surface of this cocktailanious miracle with a liberal throwing of CreepingBrent and Bermuda making sure you get a nice left to right break while still keeping a lot of that fast motion. Garnish with the wiener beans. Pray to the sweet eternity of nothingness that is everything. Serve. Enjoy responsibly.








Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s