The Heebeejeebeepreniac

This guy is nuttier than grandpa, and that old pecan still thinks he is blowing lead jug for Billy-Bob Banjo and the Bongo Bong Band. Seriously, this guy has a smile that makes stupid look like Dr. Knowledge Ph.D. and his pants are not only dirty, they are upside down. You tell me how you do that and I will give you a ripe banana. But this guy managed to figure it out, most probably by using his uncanny suboptimal power of diminutive thinking. Speaking of pants, his hair is greasier than a Mississippi lug-nut at church on a Wednesday in July. No joking, I mean, you have to intentionally work hard all day every day to lube your do like that. Well, this guy must of and does. He even makes the word dilapidated uncomfortable with itself. Like this guy grabbed the definition then set it on fire and jumped in the fire and rolled around like a headless chicken all the while playing a broken kazoo. If you do not believe me check the dictionary and tell me what you see. Exactly. And now you cannot un-see it. I make no apologies. If the government put out a pamphlet warning about the dangers of bodily infestation by parasites and creatures of gross-repute this guy would be the guy on the front and the back and every panel in between. And I can guarantee not one solid citizen to a person would fail to heed their warnings based on his image alone. Beats me how even the creepers and crawlers can stand living on this guy. He stinks worse than guano dipped in diarrhea rolled in manure and left to die slowly on a pile of filth in the raging sun. He is the only guy you will ever meet that can wake up on a Tuesday, think it is Thursday, act like it is Saturday, and still tell the bus driver, “TGIF, chum, TGIF.” His teeth are browner than the insides of his toes which are browner than the colour brown. Want to know why? Because he brushes his teeth with shoe polish and spit shines his feet. He likes to say it gives him a Brogue’s smile. I like to say it makes it look like his mouth took a dump on his foot. One time this guy bought a bunch of balloons with money he got from a kind old lady who mistook him for a dead horse and slipped a couple dollars in his collar out of pity for his grieving jockey. Anyway, he bought these balloons. As an investment, right. And he tried to sell them to the airport. Because he truly believed that if you loaded an airplane with balloons the plane would be lighter and float easier and then fly faster and that it would be of incredible economic benefit to the airlines. What with the cost of gasoline and all it made perfect sense right? He called his business AirBalloon. Needless to say his enterprise did not take off. In fact, he is never allowed within ten miles of the airport under penalty of death. Then, the next time you would see him he would tell you about a hot and spicy sexual conquest he had with a bowl of turkey noodle at a delicatessen he was no longer allowed to set a brown foot in for the rest of his life. Then he would ask you to lend him a dollar so he could buy himself a bowl of chowder. You would wonder how a guy like this guy would stay out of the Cuckoo Cabana and believe me when I tell you that they would toss him in with all the other flakes, kooks, and oddballs and within minutes the whole lot of them would be throwing themselves on the mercy of the chief headshrinker to get that loon out of their midst. He was driving them crazy. This guy is the Pearl of Macadamianesia, the Jewel of Almondinia, the Flower of Cashew Pichu. If bonkers was a planet this guy would be its wacky moon revolving around and around in the most frustrating orbit the solar system ever did see. What a nut.


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