A Day in the Life of Dick Whitfield III

—and I’m telling you moongoofs that I ain’t just a goddamn diamond platinum member but that I AM the yacht club!! I ain’t messing around. I’m a big deal in this town. Ask anyone. I’m the bean in the burrito. I’m the jelly in the donut. I’m the stink that makes the pink. I am the eternal wind that blows the sails of life around here. I speak people shut up sit down and goddamn listen. The mayor, the Sheriff, the goddamn Bishop and all his Nuns and shit. Not a potato gets mashed in this town that I don’t know about. In fact, a potato doesn’t get mashed lest I say so! You understand what I’m telling you? You better clean out those holes or whatever it is you call call ears and listen close, I AM THE MAN! Understand? The jewel in the crown of the King of the county. That’s all me! Jewel crown king county. Four for four, right here! I’m the wieners AND the beans. I’m the sun at noon and the moon at midnight. I’m the scissor kick and everyone else is the freaking creek. Nobody around here gives me the south end of a north bound mule. Alright? You get it now? I’m the divine chosen one who has the biggest yacht newest Cadillac leatherest shoes and toppest hat. I’m so goddamn important they spell it with seventeen I’s! And so I want you to GET THAT PROBE OUTTA THERE PRONTO!!! All it’s going to tell you is what I already told you which is I am the most important cheese there is and I command respect and admiration which I’m not getting here so if all you want to know more than that is the amount of peanuts and corn I ate in the grill room at the club which I’ll make easy for you and just tell you was one bowl and three cobs then just give me my clothes, beam me back, raise anchor, and FUCK OFF!

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