I Refuse To See The Forest For The Trees (They’re Dead To Me)

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Treekiller! Treekiller! He’s the world’s foremost topiary assassin! Treekiller! Treekiller! He’ll trim you to death, ’cause his pruning’s bad-assin’!”
“His name is Treekiller? Or is that just an apt descriptor?”
“Both maybe?”
“You don’t know?”
“I’ve never met the guy, he just hit me up on Fiverr.”
“For a jingle.”
“Uh huh.”
“He asked for this specifically? THIS jingle?”
“Well, he broad stroked it, I did the rest. But c’mon, it pops. Admit it–
Treekiller! Treekiller! He murders them trees in the dead of night! Treekiller! Treekiller! He won’t let a leaf see a photon of light! Phototsynthesis?! No no way! It’s the dawn of Timber Funeral Day!
“Timber Funeral Day? What the fuck does that mean?”
“I think it speaks for itself.”
“And they really paid you actual money for this?”
“Decently, yeah.”
“Wow.”
“I know, right? Treekiller! Treekiller! There is no bark is badder than his bite! Treekiller! Treekiller! The death of a sapling is his purest delight!
“Well, it does have a certain some kind of assonance.”
“I’m telling you this one’s a bonafide hit.”
Treekiller. Treekiller. Treekiller. Treekiller. I gotta admit it’s pretty catchy.”

Damn that was sweet. NOW MAKE IT SWEETER!

And then that happened! NOW MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

As seen in THE BROCHURE!

“—and this here is the power shaft.”

“They put it here?”

“They did.”

“They are crazy.”

“How so?”

“Any somewhat sane child over the age of two could see that putting the power shaft here is like putting a sandwich inside a clam and calling it a horse.”

“Say what?”

“It can’t do no job! Not here it can’t!”

“It’s obviously working and doing what it was meant to do.”

“Like ice cream would work to start a fire.”

“I don’t get you at all.”

“You think a power shaft is a magic fairy with its sack of of dust that just sprinkles energy on the mechanism to make it do work?”

“I’ve never even had the thought that such a thought exists.”

“But you’ll think a power shaft should go here.”

“No, but that’s because I’m not an engineer, sir, I’m a tour guide. Now please get back in the tram, we have a lot left to see.”

“Tour guides, engineers—assholes the lot of you.”

“And now if you’ll all just look over to your right, you’ll see the world famous Taj Mahal.”

Zurp! Zap! Now ZIP THIS!

5 Alarm Class Jackin’

Raymondo: So I’m just your dick stickin shit picker varlet, huh?

Madge: What does that mean?

Raymondo: I think it’s fairly obvious.

Madge: That your dick is shaped like a stick? Or is that what you’re made to do with it?

Raymondo: You know very well they’ve got me pickin shit with my dick stick. And shining your father’s shoes. And all that other malarkey.

Madge: I imagine your lack of principles plays into it as well.

Raymondo: Why would you say that?

Madge: You said varlet. If the shoe fits–

Raymondo: Damnit, you attend one nude Keno night and they label you forever.

Madge: I told you not to go. Now put that shoe down and pay attention.

Raymondo: Why? You got a turd you want me to poke at?

Madge: No. I need you to test this chili.

Raymondo: File this under malarkey.

Madge: File it however you want but the can says it’s ass-blaster and I’m not sure I want to risk it.

Raymondo: But Raymondo’s ass is worth blasting, huh?

Madge: Would you rather I had you stick your dick in it?

Raymondo: This is just another in my long list of reasons to go back and finish high school.

Madge: I would suggest that you consider penis widening surgery.

Raymondo: Just pass me the stupid bowl.

And so it goes! NOW GO GET THIS!

Thrusting Into A Deep New World…

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“I’m just curious about this item right here. On this list. This item.”
“Which item is that?”
“It’s right here on the list.”
“There’s fourteen thousand things on that list, Commander.”
“I’m aware. But right now my focus is on this item right here.”
“Can you give me the number?”
“It’s item number two.”
“Okay, right–double check tightness of sweatpants comma crotch.”
“Right, so–”
“So what?”
“How tight are the crotches in the sweatpants?”
“Is that important?”
“Are you–are you for real?! Of course it’s important! It’s on the list!”
“Uh, yeah, I guess that raises the question as to why it’s on the list?”
“Because we need to know if they’re ballhuggers or not, damnit!”
“We do?”
“YES!”
“And this is a mission priority?”
“It’s a goddamn mission priority, Lieutenant, it’s a goddamn mission goddamn priority!”
“But Commander, I guess I’m a little uncertain as to why.”
“Because it’s on the goddamn list.”
“I see that. In fact it’s very high on the list. But I don’t quite understand how making sure that the sweatpants issued as mission apparel need to be–”
“Ballhuggers, yes.”
“Umm, that doesn’t clarify anything for me here–”
“These dudes are going to be hot-rodding through the galaxy like a bunch of astro-studs. If their clothing is not overtly sensual–well, damnit son, I don’t even want to go there.”
“You’ve lost me, Commander.”
“The sex, man, I’m talking about the sex.”
“I thought we were talking about the mission checklist.”
“Sometimes, buckaroo, you’ve got to look beyond the mission, look deeper than the list, peer into the inky black velvet of the cosmos and understand that wet nasty jackjohnning is the true objective.”
“Jackjohnning?”
“You heard me.”
“I have no idea what that means.”
“Don’t you worry about that. Just be confident that I do.”
“I’d never think to question your authority here.”
“Good man.”
“But, uh, still, umm, if you could clarify something regarding the mission–”
“Ask away.”
“Aren’t these men supposed to be finding a new world for humanity to call home?”
“Yes. But they will also be buttfuckin’ each other. That’s a fact.”
“It is?”
“Absolutely affirmative. And a deep, hard fact at that.”

“To tell the truth, sir, I’m not so sure I’m clear on most of these mission parameters.”

“Just believe, lieutenant, just believe. That’s an order.”

“Yes sir.”
Commander Jenkins stared up at the night sky. It was clear and the Milky Way laid itself out before his eyes like God’s own duvet on the waterbed of the Universe.
He took a deep breath.
This was the very earliest of the beginning of the most truly grand adventure in the brief history of humankind.
He allowed his heart a tiny flutter.
And then he was right back to maximum stern.
“Now. Next item on the list.”
“Right. Item three. Briefs comma bikini.”
“Okay. Let’s get a double check on the leopard print on those.”

What an adventure! NOW HERE’S AN ADVENTURE!